Three years down forever to come :)

I am more in love with him today than I was six years ago. Without him, I would be a completely different individual, more irritated, taxing, and rude. Without him, I would have made a lot more mistakes; my life would be so much emptier.

I would not be where I am, or who I am, without his understanding, tolerance, compassion and love. Because of him, I am more open to love; I am more complete than I’ve ever been. We’ve been together so long now that I can’t really fancy my life without him. I don’t want to.

My greatest joys I want to share with him. My deepest fears feel safest around him.

Love you even when I became old and ugly, Happy anniversary to my love :)

~H@ppy

My bag full of memories :)

It was sometime around 2003. Everything was very different back then. I had dreams, hope and lot of ambitions. I had this fire within me It was raw passion that kept me going. I still remember the days when I'd take a look around my school campus and watch other chaps walking along with their fancy glamorous sling bags. Their bags came in many colours. The bags were decorated with badges and stickers. It was cool to decorate bags back then. I think it's still cool.


Their bags would have decorative books. The classmate 5 subject notebooks. The cover art of most of them would be remarkable. It was a sign of pride for many to be in possession of such books. Far along the other side of the spectrum, there were folks whose education was itself a massive toll on their parent's income. They had simple books and simple pens in their simple looking bags. I could relate to that. Just like me, they carried something much bigger than books in their bags. They'd carry their dreams and aspirations in them. I respected that.


My bag was unique. I had my father’s name printed on my bag. I carry a travel book which my uncle gave me from his trip to Mumbai, I use to dream about visiting Mumbai, Goa, Kerala.  I also managed to carry three  beaten up notebook. Notebook that would help me kill time when the classes were on. That was a time when my bags had dreams and aspirations besides books. 


Now years later when I got a chance to visit Goa, I felt like my dream came true. Even after things didn't go as planned. I tried and enjoy my trip as I read in the travel book. 
I could not even write how amazing the trip was.

My husband had one week official trip to Goa supposed to end on a long weekend as my work calendar so I was also clubbed in the last few days of his training.

I landed on Thursday afternoon, had heard good things about Goa Public transport system so I took a local bus from Airport to Madgaon bus stop, the transport hub of South Goa. There I had my husband waiting for me with the two wheeler. After that we reached Colva beach, then it started and after that I found myself on the beaches during most of the time.

This was a different beach than I visited before. Wide-ranging, perky white sand and colours everywhere. When we reached the beach, it was around 6 O' clock at evening. Our timings were great . First evening in South Goa with a breath-taking sunset. The beach was full of small creatures of sea, I tried to collect few but it was getting dark so I left that for another beach.

Walking and that also on the beach is definitely going to do one thing to me for sure. It made me hungry,  in fact very hungry. So we decided to go for some snacks at one of the shop near by the beach. It was not fantastic neither too bad.

Left the beach in about an hour, went to local Market of Madgaon and bought the king of Goan sweet Bibinca, one of my asked to get the sweet for her. Husband drove for ~25 km reach his office provided accommodation. Finished the day with a dinner @ Ipshem Goa and a meet and greet with everyone present.

Next morning, we hit the beach pretty early. It was time for Agonda beach. The beach was much less crowded. Living sea shells, oh yes it was a surprise for me since I encountered them first time ever. The shape is a bit crescent, so perfect for taking amazing  pictures. One part of the beach forms a kind of island. It was a smaller beach than Colva. I  personally liked Agonda more, mostly because of its shape and water, the color of the water was green because of the shadow of the hills from both sides.

A complete round of the beach and it was time to bid adieu. I was riding the bike got back to ONGC Ipshem Goa had breakfast and took an hour rest before I could start exploring nearby places at my own. visited couple of more beaches – PALOLEM, CAVELOSSIM and MOBOR with the ladies. Last day we finished at North Goa. Not my kind of place so don't have much to write about the north Goa trip. Rajiv liked the food at Saturday night market and I could click some random colorful pictures from the place. The market is way expensive that I did not even tried to barging. Overall it was a nice trip I had been missing some me-time since couple of years now. There is nothing that matches the thrills and excitement of being a itchy feet on your own. For me nothing matches the vibrations and the happy smile that comes straight to my face from deep inside. We finished the trip and returned back again with my bag full of memories and dreams.

~Happy

The irritating fake smile

Back in college days I use to smile a lot. I smile when I’m pleased, when I’m down, when I’m tense .I’ve been told that I smile when I’m in the mid of crying. I don’t mean to — and often I was not aware what was I doing  — it was just my spontaneous reaction to almost any situation.

Psychotherapist says Smiling is what you need to do to get along in life. Smiles can be used for mischief too. It’s very exciting to see how confused people get when you smile at a complete random person on the street for totally no reason and there’s nothing more cool than trying to clap a angry shop assistant by grinning like a mad person.

By the way I don't even smile when I should be smiling now end of the fake irritating smile.

~

Happy

I bought myself a new polish

I bought myself a new polish… I've been a nail-biter my entire life - a bad one, but after a full month of not biting my nails, I'd say I'm successfully "cured". I would bite to the point of pain, and honestly never understood why I kept doing it. Having perfect nails was never a huge priority for me. Special thanks to my lovely husband, he helped me achieve which I was trying for years now. He kept reminding me, it’s a bad omen more like you are creating good things and then destroying them yourself... and then I decided why not try to stop biting? It wasn't a huge decision for me, but it just happened to fall at the right time. Once I got through a week, I was like, "I can do this!" So I did! It's not to say I haven't struggled with it, but it was relatively easy to stop. Now, I'm so in love with my new nails and how much they add to my outfits. Plus, they are pain-free now! I tried to think of when and why I'd bite my nails crazily. Usually it was in a stressed state when I was in over my head, or when I was scared or nervous like Ganguly during "cricket matches". I comprehended those conditions weren't going to go away, so I needed to try new things. The biggest thing that aided me was painting nails almost every day. I don't like the taste of nail-paint, and just having them painted all the time was a constant reminder to not bite. I really enjoyed the process of watching my nails grow, so that inspired me in itself! Keep them painted and recoat often. This was my number one help in cracking the pattern. Not only were they too pretty to bite, I hated the taste of polish. Plus, it was a constant reminder of my goal. Every week I was successful in not biting. One of my biggest issues was biting when I was nervous or deep thinking. When a situation arose, instead of biting, I would sit with my hands folded. It helped! I am really inspired by how pretty they look and most likely, I’ll keep going. I’ve done it :) Happy :))

I am no more the person I used to be

I started drafting this post a year back. My blog might sound a bit dramatic, but most of the times I was told that life does go through phases of good and bad, and then good again. It's a series of ups and downs. In a graph, life can at best be plotted as a wave pattern, never as a straight line.
I remember one of my neighbor saying don't laugh so loud you will attract bad luck. She actually believed it, and, if a few minutes later she caught any of us crying, she would come the smug remark, didn't I tell you whenever you laugh out loud, you will certainly be crying soon enough.
I am no more the person I used to be.  Everything went as per plan. I have got world’s best mother in law, a loving caring husband. a relaxed jo. But I can’t find out the reason why for some time now I have been feeling more and more negative about myself.
I have mood-swings very often and very strong emotions lately. I feel as if I have become very sensitive as if I was never before. I easily get upset- I may cry at the smallest things. I would take every word to heart. I feel pretty low most of the time these days. More often I sleep more during the day than at night. My family had been pointing me that I do not smile often. Over the past few months I have been feeling extremely bad about myself without any reason. I get a strong feeling that I am in the grip of forces beyond my control. I am scared of tiny things. I find it difficult to keep a conversation going. I sort of forget what the other person is saying and sometimes also my own thoughts. I find it difficult to keep a conversation going. I want to be the same old me. Friends had to stop me off laughing, I use to talk nonstop. I was never scared of anything. I do not remember crying on some really big situations where I must have cried. I was writing this on my 25th birthday when friends were calling me with all the best wishes and I was waiting for that one call from someone special.

It's the silly me side which made me write, I feel the mantra to live happy is not just living for yourself its living for the people around you for your family. I figured when I was happy I was actually living for others, I had my parents, family or friends in mind. But time changed and I had set up many expectations for myself, being stupid I was expecting surprises, special treatment for myself and when things were not coming as I wanted them to be it was getting taxing for me. And finally I released as I had expectations from others I was disappointed. Now I find my life a lot easier as I

Keep my expectations to the lowest.

I recall when I bought my phone — received a black box with the phone inside. Wow, I thought, that was incredible. At least that’s what I thought for about one month until I saw another new phone coming and my expectations killed the happiness. Today after almost 2 years still using the same black phone but when I broke the phone last month I wasn't at all excited to buy a new one. Because I don't have expectations any more. I learned to be happy in present state rather keeping my dreams so big (not in all context, I still would like to get a promotion) ;).

WTH!

Depressed mood: Yes
Inability to enjoy activities: yes
Problems concentrating: yes
Changes in eating habits or appetite: hell yes
Weight gain or weight loss: yes
Changes in sleeping habits: yes
Difficulty going to work or taking care of your daily responsibilities because of a lack of energy: no
Feelings of guilt and hopelessness; wondering if life is worth living (common): Yes
Slowed thoughts and speech: yes
Preoccupation with thoughts of death or suicide: No
Complaints that have no physical cause (somatic complaints) such as headache and stomachache: No

More than 7 yes = U R IN DIPRESSION

Whats going on?

Every single morning I remember having at least two dreams I had the night before. They often wake me up throughout the night because they're so weird.I want to say scary because some involve some scary stuff! But weird is way more accurate because when I wake up I don't feel scared and have to double-check the locks.I just feel strange and little disturbed.Becasue I am not able to remember what all is happened in the dreams its becoming more difficult to narrow down whats going on.I wake up evry single night at exactly the same time, just 2 min before my alarm.

But the dream I had couple of days back that was horrible.
I was coming out of office at night talking to my mom on the cell phone and the entire time a man, was standing behind me silently and listening to what I was telling her. And I didn't know it.
I hangoff the phone and starting walking back up a driveway road thing and police cars came..they arrested the man, but he just looked at me with a creepy grin..
I rememeber this has happened with me almost two years before when I had to leave my parents first time for the on job training and I was scared of things.

Seriously, there is no fun in having those dreams. I mean once in a while is fine but daily.Phew! I need to go on with papa's suggestion Meditation